bury the castle

Paramore
"Brick by Boring Brick"
Well you built up a world of magic
Because your real life is tragic
Yeah you built up a world of magic
If it's not real
You can't hold it in your hand
You can't feel it with your heart
And I won't believe it
But if it's true
You can see it with your eyes
Oh even in the dark
And that's where I want to be...

My mom called yesterday for a chat.  She asked why I changed my mind about spending a week in Boston/NY over winter break, since it was something I had been really excited about.   I told her about my insecurities, mainly about how I felt uncomfortable going on such a long-distance trip with W because I don't think I have the strongest of feelings for him.  I don't want to mislead him into believing our relationship is more deep than it actually is.

She scolded me for being too "nice".  "Again".  If you want to go on this trip, and you have someone who has the time and is willing to go with you, why should you not do what you want?, she asked.  She started referring to my last 2 relationships, berating me for not having learned my lessons from them.  I had been too self-sacrificing and naive, too concerned about how the guy felt instead of being outright and protective of myself, put too much into my relationships, apparently.  I wonder if she's right?

I was indignant at first..  I'm sure no one likes being told off for doing things they don't think are wrong.  But it got me thinking if maybe I AM too much of a romantic.  I do have silly idealistic views about relationships, I suppose.  Does this make me weak/vulnerable?  Or not smart about being in relationships?  Would it really be "wiser" to act more selfishly?

I don't know...

In any case, the East Coast trip plans are off anyway.  Instead, I vouched for exploring a little more of the areas around here, which is not a bad alternative, seeing as there is a whole list of places I want to visit and things I want to try.  I hope I can sort myself out soon.

i wonder if i ever do anything people hate.

I'm online right now with one of my friends who hasn't stopped typing to me for the past 5 minutes, and I haven't even gotten any word in... so I just stopped and I'm letting her finish her fanatic typing first. And I came to thinking about how it irks me sometimes when people only talk and don't listen... I think it's inconsiderate and defeats the purpose of having a conversation with someone. Meh.

I wonder if anyone's ever been irked at me for doing something that I don't know I do?

OH BTW. I put a picture of W on my left hand column. =] We've still been talking a lot, but again, everything's tentative. Two nights ago, my little (from the frat) took me out to late night food at 4 am, and he had me bring W, who was hanging out with me at the time (yeah... W and I were supposed to be working on our labs together). Apparently, the two of them already knew each other from playing basketball... and my little approves of him just because he thinks W plays good ball. hahah. We'll seeeeee.

Everyone should check out Leslie ft. Bobby Valentino - Accorde Moi.