dear fickle self...

Why do you always have to make yourself unnecessarily stressed?  You make a big deal out of small things that don't go your way.  You find something wrong with everything.  You want things but reject them at the same time, and then get annoyed and angry that you have to figure out which one is really true.  You know that school is not an excuse for your bitchiness.. and you know that W didn't exactly do anything to warrant your frustration.

The sucky part is that you don't even know how to explain why/how you feel the way you do.

And there's more to think about.  You had horrible time management so now you have a crapload of stuff you have to do within this week, on top of planning for winter break, studying, extra lecture, dinner plans, roommate's birthday, etc etc etc.  You feel worse because you had so much time... so so so much time when you could have done those things.

And now, of all times, why are you thinking about the way things used to be with R.  This is no time to be thinking about that selfish dbag.  Sure, he used to do everything just right, and if W were him, you would be expecting a call from him right now, at just the moment you want him to call you the most.   W is not him.

You really need to figure yourself out.

a weekend out of place

In only 2 days, I make the 5 hour drive back home to spend Thanksgiving with the family.  But "why wait?", my senioritis-struck self asked.  It feels as though I've started vacation early... this whole past weekend I've spent like a bum.  It was relatively carefree, very reminiscent of the weekends I spent two summers ago here in L.A. - single, wild, fun, hungover.  Strangely, a weekend like this now just didn't seem right.  All it did was remind me of what has changed since then.  And I guess it's a little weird, as it always is, to see the same people in the same settings, yet completely different.

On Friday, it began with Jason's 21st-birthday party.  I got there around 11, but before I even stepped foot into his apartment, I see Tommy (my love-hate little bro from the frat) at the door, on his way out.  While the two of us hardly see each other, we are rather inseparable/endearing when we do, despite our very blatant mutual "hate" and "disgust".  So, naturally, once he caught sight of me, he grabbed me, stuffed me under his arm, and proceeded to drag me off, all while yelling insults surrounding my inability to make time for him.  It turned out he was headed for another party, and he was determined on taking me there.  Long story short (as I was only there for an hour), I downed 3 shots of I-don't-remember-what as an "entrance fee" (-___-), played and won a game of beer pong, and left to return to Jason's by 12 am for his birthday, with a comfortable buzz.

For the rest of the night, I spent most of my time with Vince, David, and Calvin, separately.  To put it very briefly, we never ended up dating, but there had always been a possibility for each of them at some point in time.

Of course, I have W now, and he is a very good boyfriend to me.  It just felt like a flash to that past when those 3 had been options after my last, heartbreaking relationship.  And now, I suppose we're "friends" - it is thankfully not awkward.  Regardless of past emotions, they kept me company in turns throughout the night, and I enjoyed the pleasant chemistry, until the end of the night when we said our warm goodbyes and returned to our very separate lives.  Maybe things will be different yet again the next time I see them...

Ironically, my ex (yes, that last ex) was also there.  But I am proud to say I have since mastered my own heart, gotten it back from him.  The whole night, it was as though he was not even there.  Two summers ago, the mere sight of him would grip my heart and have me dashing for the nearest exit to cry, out of sight.  That night, his appearance still stirred something deep within me, but I have simply nothing more to feel for him, not love, nor respect.  It was a hard journey...

Saturday was spent in bed, with the occasional trip to the bathroom to puke whatever I had drunk the night before (Bacardi 151 included, never drinking that shit again).  All too much like those old morning-afters.  There was a reason there haven't been weekends like the wild ones that summer.  Once I'm out of college, I am pretty sure I will never drink like this again.  Nausea is terrible, and throwing up is one of my most hated things.  After finally emptying my stomach, W and I finished Hell's Kitchen season 6 (I had been rooting for the winner since the start, so I was quite happy with the finale), and also watched this weird and ridiculous but okay movie Hot Fuzz.  Sunday was also very homely - we woke up late, baked cookies, ate leftovers.

All in all, it was a completely unproductive weekend.  But in that regard, I guess nothing's changed  =)

breakfast drives my day...

Look?!  It's a live Pikachu!!  The nerd in me could not resist looking up this picture (searched for a good 5 minutes through IM convos to find the link) after seeing a fat squirrel on campus yesterday in a similar pose.  Yah, I'm a dork  -__-

So, as the days get colder and colder, it's been harder and harder to get up at 7 in the mornings.  All my 8 am morning classes happen to be important, and I've been pretty good about making all of them  =]  But while I used to be able to get out of bed at 7, I now get up at 7:15-20, leaving me only 20 minutes or so to get ready and go catch the shuttle to school.

I got up later than usual this morning, which led me to skip breakfast today.  I try my best to get a decent breakfast in me every morning, otherwise I get quite faint and it's hard to concentrate.  My metabolism has gotten used to kicking in early.  As soon as I got to class, I was starving and that was not good considering I had about 2 hours of consecutive class to sit through.  I managed to get through the first hour, then was defeated by my poor rumbling tummy, and hightailed it back home to grab food before coming back for the afternoon classes.  Sigh, such weak willpower.

But, speaking of willpower, I managed to keep myself from making a tempting stop for boba on my way home earlier this evening.  Gotta keep off the pounds despite getting to wear more layers for winter...

to be or not to be the peacemaker?

This past weekend, I was invited by my new apartmentmates and roommate of two years, T, to a club/lounge in Hollywood for a fun night out. Initially, I was shy, being unfamiliar with the new girls, but I had not been out clubbing in MONTHS and I guess I was feeling in the mood for some grooving.... so I agreed and we had a great time. [note to self here: I really need to go shopping, there were so many cute styles I'd like to own!] Besides when I almost fainted once towards the end of the night (I only had time for a dinner of a small bowl of cereal before we had to head out), I had a pretty good time, got to let loose :)

>> That's me on the right, wearing for the first time that crazy sparkly top I bought last year.

Yesterday, I was told by J (a close friend of mine and T's) that she had really wanted to come to the event also, but that she did not because she had been lied to. I was not aware, but apparently, T had denied her an invitation to come along with the excuse that it was pretty exclusive. It was not actually exclusive at all. In fact, T brought along 2 other random friends, who asked to join us only an hour before we set out, which only made J more pissed. Sounds like some silly girl drama here, as I type this all out.... and I'm the one person close to the both of them with the position to help patch things up. J has asked me to say nothing, as she's hoping T will bring it up on her own like she should. Eh. The 3 of us have been good friends for a long time now, but would it be selfish to say that right now I really just want to sit this one out? Getting involved in other people's business is always a tricky situation, especially when told not to. Still, just cuz I'm their friend, I wonder if I should go ahead and drop some hints...

Okay, on a different note, I love chocolate. No matter when, where, why....of course, it's not the most slimming food. But I've found that I can get my chocolate fix AND a few servings of healthy fiber with these AWESOME chocolate chip oatmeal cookies. We made a large batch two weeks ago. Killed it all within a few days. The recipe is pretty simple. Oh gosh, I am already itching to bake some. Maybe tomorrow.