i'm too emotional for my own good.

I didn't write a post then, but a week ago, I decided to break up with W.  College graduation is drawing ever nearer (3 more weeks), and it will soon come time for us to physically separate.  I feel I have neither the confidence nor the ability to preserve our relationship on a long-distance basis.  In addition, looking towards the long run, he may not be "the one", at least not the way he is now - he is still very immature in many ways.  So, at the time, I knew what I wanted, and that he was not it, and I did not hesitate to bring it up.  I told him that I am doing this now because I wanted to give us some time, while we were still able to see each other, to get mentally prepared and used to being close friends. Unfortunately, because the breakup was so civil and because we are attempting to keep things friendly, I find things haven't changed much since last week.  We still check in with each other now and then, and pop by each others' places for quick visits (as we are neighbors).  He still attends to my needs, down to the most miniscule of details, and hanging out with him, albeit just briefly each time, still makes me feel blessed, loved, and warm inside.

Do I wonder if I'm making the wrong decision letting him go?  Every day. 

Of all the guys I have dated, W definitely sets the standard for being the most dependable, most sincere, most caring.  I won't ever forget how hard it was for us in the beginning when it all started, and all the troubles we've had, but through it all, he never gave up and did his best for me all the time.  I can only say that I am at fault, for not being able to overlook his "faults", despite how great he is.  We've decided that this is an indefinite break, with high possibility of going at it again in the future after we've settled our paths and found our places in this world, and who knows, maybe he will have matured then.  But for right now, we have other priorities, and I want to give myself some more chances to experience the world around me.

I know what it is I have decided to do.  It's just so hard to stand by my decision when I know so well what kind of a guy I am letting go of.  It's hard to imagine that there will be anyone else out there like him...

what's been up + piece of me (march 2010)

Last weekend, I got a bit of a scare when I got a text from my brother saying that my dad underwent surgery.  It was pretty unsettling because he hadn't mentioned it to me beforehand, and that had me worrying that it was due to an emergency.  It also didn't help that I was unable to reach him on his cell phone all weekend.  But, it turns out that it was just a small, benign case of skin cancer on his hand which he got removed, and I hadn't been able to reach him because he spent that weekend at business meetings.  Definitely glad he was okay, and it was also something of a reminder to think about him more...

Hmm to update on the internship, I performed well at my last shift in the office, flying solo  :D  I got a good ole pat on the back, no joke.  It is too soon to feel like I got the hang of things though, knowing how inconsistent the boss is.  Just hopefully she'll teach me more.

T and I went to Jeff's place Friday night to see him and to celebrate with one of his friends, Max, who had just gotten accepted into grad school here (he's smart).  It turns out that Max knew a lot of people I did!  Including my first ex, a few of my high school classmates, and my roommate.  Such a small world.  I had a good time that night, it felt like we all bonded, and I hadn't laughed that much with people other than my close friends in a long time.  We ended up staying there until about 7, saw the sunrise pretty much.  Mm... I was just thinking again about my future.  Not that I am really in a position to do anything about it, but Max is probably my type of guy.  He was slightly interested but... it wouldn't happen right now....

Okay, getting tired so I'm wrapping this up:
.....This month....
I like:  that spring break is coming.  I'm not really sure yet how I'm gonna spend it, but it will be a very welcome break.
I don't like:  that I don't have my credit card on me (it got stopped b/c it was suspected to have been stolen, when really I had just spent just a tad too much for the month >.<)  I won't be getting the new one for maybe 2 weeks...  not that I want to be using it or anything, just feels a little more reassuring to know I had it if I had to use it.
I want you to know:  I've been watching the new season of The Amazing Race!  Haha, just in case you might want to join in, it's only aired 3 episodes so far.
I've planned:  to spend less, study hard to finish this quarter strong, and to not buckle under stress
I want to say to someone special:  I am very sorry for the hardships that are going on around you right now, and I'm surprised but happy that you want to give your support.  I hope that someday you could openly extend those kinds of feelings towards us too, because it would really encourage the family...

bury the castle

Paramore
"Brick by Boring Brick"
Well you built up a world of magic
Because your real life is tragic
Yeah you built up a world of magic
If it's not real
You can't hold it in your hand
You can't feel it with your heart
And I won't believe it
But if it's true
You can see it with your eyes
Oh even in the dark
And that's where I want to be...

My mom called yesterday for a chat.  She asked why I changed my mind about spending a week in Boston/NY over winter break, since it was something I had been really excited about.   I told her about my insecurities, mainly about how I felt uncomfortable going on such a long-distance trip with W because I don't think I have the strongest of feelings for him.  I don't want to mislead him into believing our relationship is more deep than it actually is.

She scolded me for being too "nice".  "Again".  If you want to go on this trip, and you have someone who has the time and is willing to go with you, why should you not do what you want?, she asked.  She started referring to my last 2 relationships, berating me for not having learned my lessons from them.  I had been too self-sacrificing and naive, too concerned about how the guy felt instead of being outright and protective of myself, put too much into my relationships, apparently.  I wonder if she's right?

I was indignant at first..  I'm sure no one likes being told off for doing things they don't think are wrong.  But it got me thinking if maybe I AM too much of a romantic.  I do have silly idealistic views about relationships, I suppose.  Does this make me weak/vulnerable?  Or not smart about being in relationships?  Would it really be "wiser" to act more selfishly?

I don't know...

In any case, the East Coast trip plans are off anyway.  Instead, I vouched for exploring a little more of the areas around here, which is not a bad alternative, seeing as there is a whole list of places I want to visit and things I want to try.  I hope I can sort myself out soon.

a weekend out of place

In only 2 days, I make the 5 hour drive back home to spend Thanksgiving with the family.  But "why wait?", my senioritis-struck self asked.  It feels as though I've started vacation early... this whole past weekend I've spent like a bum.  It was relatively carefree, very reminiscent of the weekends I spent two summers ago here in L.A. - single, wild, fun, hungover.  Strangely, a weekend like this now just didn't seem right.  All it did was remind me of what has changed since then.  And I guess it's a little weird, as it always is, to see the same people in the same settings, yet completely different.

On Friday, it began with Jason's 21st-birthday party.  I got there around 11, but before I even stepped foot into his apartment, I see Tommy (my love-hate little bro from the frat) at the door, on his way out.  While the two of us hardly see each other, we are rather inseparable/endearing when we do, despite our very blatant mutual "hate" and "disgust".  So, naturally, once he caught sight of me, he grabbed me, stuffed me under his arm, and proceeded to drag me off, all while yelling insults surrounding my inability to make time for him.  It turned out he was headed for another party, and he was determined on taking me there.  Long story short (as I was only there for an hour), I downed 3 shots of I-don't-remember-what as an "entrance fee" (-___-), played and won a game of beer pong, and left to return to Jason's by 12 am for his birthday, with a comfortable buzz.

For the rest of the night, I spent most of my time with Vince, David, and Calvin, separately.  To put it very briefly, we never ended up dating, but there had always been a possibility for each of them at some point in time.

Of course, I have W now, and he is a very good boyfriend to me.  It just felt like a flash to that past when those 3 had been options after my last, heartbreaking relationship.  And now, I suppose we're "friends" - it is thankfully not awkward.  Regardless of past emotions, they kept me company in turns throughout the night, and I enjoyed the pleasant chemistry, until the end of the night when we said our warm goodbyes and returned to our very separate lives.  Maybe things will be different yet again the next time I see them...

Ironically, my ex (yes, that last ex) was also there.  But I am proud to say I have since mastered my own heart, gotten it back from him.  The whole night, it was as though he was not even there.  Two summers ago, the mere sight of him would grip my heart and have me dashing for the nearest exit to cry, out of sight.  That night, his appearance still stirred something deep within me, but I have simply nothing more to feel for him, not love, nor respect.  It was a hard journey...

Saturday was spent in bed, with the occasional trip to the bathroom to puke whatever I had drunk the night before (Bacardi 151 included, never drinking that shit again).  All too much like those old morning-afters.  There was a reason there haven't been weekends like the wild ones that summer.  Once I'm out of college, I am pretty sure I will never drink like this again.  Nausea is terrible, and throwing up is one of my most hated things.  After finally emptying my stomach, W and I finished Hell's Kitchen season 6 (I had been rooting for the winner since the start, so I was quite happy with the finale), and also watched this weird and ridiculous but okay movie Hot Fuzz.  Sunday was also very homely - we woke up late, baked cookies, ate leftovers.

All in all, it was a completely unproductive weekend.  But in that regard, I guess nothing's changed  =)

i'm back, but my spirit is still out there somewhere

Spring break is over... and today was the first day of classes. So tiring... and I realize I'm another quarter closer to graduating from college. The thought makes me sad :[ And a lot of my older friends - my older brothers from other mothers - are already graduating and leaving in less than 3 months... Their jobs are going to take them to faraway places, and I may not ever see some of them ever again... so depressing. :(

In other news, my short trip to Asia was fun for the most part. I didn't have enough time, but at the same time, it was just enough. It was rainy for the last half of it anyway... and there were some boring family affairs that had to be taken care of as usual, but overall it was a nice trip. But as much as I loved the places I visited, there's just something about it. Like, I don't think I could live there long-term. I met up and had lunch with Andrew in HK, gambled legally for the first time at one of the beautiful casinos in Macau, and got driven around by my mom's friend's son (one of the richest playboys on the island, no joke). It was pretty fun :] If I have the time, pictures will come.

After I got back from the trip, I spent the weekend with W. He was trying very hard to make up for the last time he disappointed me at SD. And I gotta say it worked. He drove me to and showed me around this place that I've always wanted to go, tried dinner with me at this famous place (we ordered way too much food which I stupidly left behind after going through all the trouble of packing it to take home), and finally we went to the beach in the dark. We also got his ears pierced :] He claims he had always wanted to do it, but I know he never really did - he admitted later that it was because I had mentioned offhandedly that I think he'd look good with them. I've decided that while I may not be sure whether or not I want to be with him yet, I definitely like how sincere he is in what he says and how he acts towards me.

My sleeping schedule is still messed up tho... so I gotta take my nap now. Will check in again laterrr

SD weekend w/ Chris, my roommate, W, and puppies

Finally got the chance to write againnn :)

This past weekend was really nice. It was my first time visiting my friend (and first ex) Chris at his place in SD, and I met a lot of his friends (including his latest girlfriend). He's still the same as ever.... it's been quite a while since the last time he and I actually hung out, but I was so happy that we are still the close friends we are. I always feel high on life whenever I rediscover a friendship. And I realize Chris will probably be a best friend that I hope to never lose.

I don't really feel like writing everything about how W came and spent a day with me this past weekend... but basically, over the weekend, he made it clear to me that he did like me and wanted to know if I felt the same. I told him truthfully that I still didn't know.... but at the end of the day, I was actually almost half convinced I did NOT want him as a boyfriend... I feel like I have certain things I look for in a guy, and W did not exhibit a lot of those things. And when he wouldn't do some things I expected.. his points started going down. Maybe I am too picky? Or too high maintenance? Half the time, he's just the right kind of cutesy - and then the other half of the time, I feel like he's not my type. ahhh??

W said he is going to wait. I feel a little bad just because I am testing the waters with him (hanging out, taking naps, etc), and yet I am capable of suddenly turning 180 and telling him that I think we should just be friends. I don't want to give him the wrong idea and have him think that I am starting something with him when ultimately I am still unsure about him. What should I do? Should I hang out with him less or keep a distance? Although at the same time, I feel it is necessary to "test-drive" him as a boyfriend to see if he fits.... He says he doesn't mind, but I mean, if I want to be friends with him in the case it doesn't work out, shouldn't we be more cautious?

My tests are coming up soon, in just 2 weeks. I haven't started studying yet... and this is gonna be a note to myself to get my ass on it. I want to do well this quarter. I know I can study better, so I'm gonna try to make this happen. I'm starting tonight, with my study buddy (and pseudo older brother) M. W is gonna have to deal with hanging out with me less. And I can't afford to play so much anymore..... TWO WEEKS, Kimmy, cmon. but don't worry I will still blog :D

here it is, the lovesick post i dread to write.

Last weekend, I finally met the person that my guy friends always mention and play basketball with. I am going to name him "W". I had heard of him for a long time, but I had never met him, until coincidentally last weekend the guys came to have dinner with me after playing ball. We all ended up hanging out afterwards, playing beer pong/poker/truth-or-dare until 6:30 in the morning.

When W and I first met, we were both just polite and probably just whatevers. But as the night wore on, I came to notice that he was actually my type... athletic, chill, pretty good looking. And I realize there's something attractive to me about a guy who is very oblivious. I mean, in a way where he only pays attention to what's going on in front of him (pays attention to who he's talking to, etc), and doesn't look around him all the time. I wonder if that makes any sense? (Deep down.. I think I may like it because my ex is the opposite and would always look around himself like the shady person he is.) Anyway, I say he is oblivious because I found myself noticing him more towards the latter part of the night and I made the observation.

At the very end of the night, we all stood around the front door of F's apartment, trying to decide how we were all going to share umbrellas,etc to get home in the rain that was pouring outside. W and I were standing across from each other and (as I was already glancing at him from time to time)..... I caught him looking back at me a few times. I wrote it off as a fluke. Eventually, he and I were paired up to walk home together, since we lived in the same area. I was nervous but we got home okay... Ever since we met that night, we've been somehow talking everyday online, and no, I did not initiate! By some small random events, we even ended up getting each others' numbers, etc.

I have my theories/interpretations of some of the things he says, or his vibes... but I think what's the most enticing thing about this whole thing is not just that he's my type. I like that every conversation/interaction we have is very natural. It's the most important thing to me, to be able to get along with him. Now, whether he really is interested or not is another story.... and I don't like disappointing myself (which I already do often -__-) so I am not going to analyze and try to figure out what his signs mean.

I worry about myself... because I can feel that maybe I am going to develop a crush on him. This is a scary thing for me, especially after the breakup with my ex. I got hurt pretty badly last time, so it's not easy knowing that I'm so close to being vulnerable again. And, unless I'm wrong, he is playing his cards very well.... I don't have confidence.

So there it is, a rant of the nature that I have not ever been compelled to write in this past year since my breakup with R. But who knows, maybe this isn't even gonna go anywhere. He'd still make a good friend, probably.