Monday, December 7, 2009

bury the castle

Paramore
"Brick by Boring Brick"

Well you built up a world of magic
Because your real life is tragic
Yeah you built up a world of magic
If it's not real
You can't hold it in your hand
You can't feel it with your heart
And I won't believe it
But if it's true
You can see it with your eyes
Oh even in the dark
And that's where I want to be...

My mom called yesterday for a chat.  She asked why I changed my mind about spending a week in Boston/NY over winter break, since it was something I had been really excited about.   I told her about my insecurities, mainly about how I felt uncomfortable going on such a long-distance trip with W because I don't think I have the strongest of feelings for him.  I don't want to mislead him into believing our relationship is more deep than it actually is.

She scolded me for being too "nice".  "Again".  If you want to go on this trip, and you have someone who has the time and is willing to go with you, why should you not do what you want?, she asked.  She started referring to my last 2 relationships, berating me for not having learned my lessons from them.  I had been too self-sacrificing and naive, too concerned about how the guy felt instead of being outright and protective of myself, put too much into my relationships, apparently.  I wonder if she's right?

I was indignant at first..  I'm sure no one likes being told off for doing things they don't think are wrong.  But it got me thinking if maybe I AM too much of a romantic.  I do have silly idealistic views about relationships, I suppose.  Does this make me weak/vulnerable?  Or not smart about being in relationships?  Would it really be "wiser" to act more selfishly?

I don't know...

In any case, the East Coast trip plans are off anyway.  Instead, I vouched for exploring a little more of the areas around here, which is not a bad alternative, seeing as there is a whole list of places I want to visit and things I want to try.  I hope I can sort myself out soon.

7 comments:

  1. why helllooo there kimmy :) thanks for dropping by and following. i think you're doing the right thing - i'm a believer in doing things to others what you want done to you. if i were him, i'd definitely not want to be led on. but that's just me... :)

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  2. I don't know all of your mom's reasoning, but I think you're doing the right thing. Doing the local stuff is a good idea. That will give you and W a chance to do things together without the pressure of cross-country travel. You'll get to see if he has it in him to be the person you want to be with or not.

    I'm a romantic too. =)

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  3. Hello (:

    Your definitely doing the right thing. Do what you think is right for you. But try not to led W on... nobody likes the feeling of that. :/ But other then that, it wouldn't be wiser to act more selfishly. Just do whats right for you, and I hope everything works out. At least give W chances, you will see what you would like about him, and what you don't like about him...you know? (: & sooner or later, you'll know if W's the one. <3

    much love!

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  4. kimmy
    you're doing the right thing :]
    leading someone on is never
    the right thing to do!

    you're on a righttrack.

    -abby

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  5. Hey there Kimmy! Thanks for the comment!

    Honestly, if your intention wasn't to lead W on to you, then it's not your fault. Some people get signals wrong and it's nobody's fault! I do hope you sort things out. And yes, stay local this winter. Wouldn't wanna miss that sunshine!

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  6. PS - I used to work in a castle, so that title really got my attention!

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it's kimmy

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06.12.09

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